Get In the Car, Loser

March 13th
6:05 AM EST

3 notes

Observations at 4:30AM

- Five minutes after making my first cup of coffee: how did that huge puddle of milk get on the counter?

- No one will ever have to know that I just unlocked my own car but tried to get into my sister’s.

- Driving in complete darkness: where the F is the hole on the lid to this cup of coffee!?

- Wow, driving would be so much more enjoyable if there were always NO ONE else on the road.

- No one can see me! Why is switching lanes without using directionals so much more fun than switching lanes and having to signal?

- Oh my god, opening a public facility and being the only one inside for 15 minutes is absolutely TERRIFYING. WHAT WAS THAT NOISE?

- 5:20 AM: Where did all my coffee go? Somebody… Anybody… More coffee NOW, please! I beg of you!

March 12th
3:38 PM EST

104 notes

Take Ron’s advice and make this the mantra for ~~the day~~ your whole life.

[via hungryrunner]

March 9th
9:37 AM EST

119 notes

(Source: hungryrunner)

February 29th
9:05 AM EST

4 notes

How to smell like bananas forever

Buy your hospitalized grandma a banana in hopes that she will eat it in place of nasty hospital food.
Grandma refuses to eat banana, leaves it on table.
As you leave the hospital, look around suspiciously to make sure no one is looking, grab said banana, and toss it into your bag for later. (She was never gonna eat it anyway.)
Forget about banana and do not use your bag for three days.
Three days later, toss a bunch of crap into your bag before you go to work and wonder why you all of sudden smell like bananas. Wonder if you even ate a banana today.
But even if you did, why would you smell it again now?
Get to work. Banana smell is still present.
Don’t really care because bananas smell good.
Work your entire shift intermittently wondering where the heck the banana smell mysteriously came from. (It’s like there’s a banana in your bag or something!)
Return home at 11:30 PM, retrieve your book from your bag… What is that slightly mushy feeling that brushed your hand?
A banana!
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!

February 28th
8:44 AM EST

0 notes

This is definitely some sort of metaphor representing society and where it’s headed.

February 26th
10:47 AM EST

1,708 notes

January 31st
9:19 PM EST

5 notes

Dolores Umbridge

Mom: What did that lady we met at the hospital say her name was? Dolores…Dolores what?
Me: Umbridge.
Mom: Dolores Umbridge?
Me: Yeah, sounds right.

January 27th
9:10 AM EST

6 notes

[via Toothpaste for Dinner]

January 25th
5:12 PM EST

3 notes

Help my dog exit the reclined chair by un-reclining it? No. (How the hell did she get into it!?)
Watch and take pictures from the kitchen as she struggles? Yes.
Feel a little bit cruel? Maybe. (She’s perfectly fine and still loves me.)
Find this entirely hilarious for many, many hours? Absolutely.
Lesson learned: Dogs are not cats.

January 19th
4:49 PM EST

273 notes

Shit People Say About Shit People Say.

Had to happen.

[via nedhepburn]

(Source: slacktory.com)

January 18th
9:21 AM EST

1,157 notes

thedailywhat:

After Hours: It’s really quite simple: Either you stop SOPA, or there will be no more of this. Ever.

IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT.

[chrismenning / slacktory.]

(via crepesofwrath)

8:26 AM EST

70 notes

The Oatmeal protests SOPA. (And it’s awesome.)

January 16th
7:23 PM EST

4 notes

Fact: I hate the sound of chewing. HATE!

11:33 AM EST

17 notes

My heroes <3

January 13th
9:27 PM EST

8 notes

(via hungryrunner)