11:06 AM EST
The moronic small-business owner, whose moral tenets are said to include basic human kindness and always trying to do what’s right, reportedly never cuts any corners and is unwilling to fuck people over, poor habits that have led him into a life of endless mortgage payments, credit card debt, and a relatively small personal net worth.
Worse yet, sources indicated, the dumbshit has no one to blame for being a good person but himself.
"What a complete and utter fool," Stanford University sociologist Anya Arneson said of the astonishingly stupid man, describing his insistence on providing quality health care for his employees and paying them fair salaries as "just plain dumb." "It’s as though he’s operating under some kind of intangible but deep-seated conviction that being a fair, decent human being is somehow more valuable than making a quick buck."